By Ross Hendrickson

I still remember the time I was asked to take out the trash, and I thought I responded with “Sure, I’ll do it in a minute.” My wife swears I said nothing at all, just a slight nod that could have meant “Yes, dear,” or “I am deeply considering my fantasy football lineup and cannot be disturbed.” Either way, thirty minutes later, the trash was still in the kitchen, and I was sitting on the couch, wondering why she was looking at me like I had just betrayed the family. This was not stonewalling; this was me being absentminded. But the look on her face taught me something important. When your partner feels like you have gone silent or tuned out, it does not feel small. It feels like being shut out of the room emotionally, and that hurts.

In marriage, silence is not always golden. Sometimes silence is actually the loudest sound in the room. It is called stonewalling, and it happens far more often than most of us want to admit.

Stonewalling happens when one partner shuts down during conflict. They may avoid eye contact, cross their arms, or simply walk away. Sometimes it looks like sitting in the same room but staring at the floor while the other person talks. Other times, it looks like leaving mid-argument and slamming the bedroom door. It can also show up as complete silence, the dreaded “silent treatment,” where words are withheld not for healing, but as a way of disengaging altogether.

For the partner on the receiving end, stonewalling feels like abandonment. You are left carrying the full weight of the argument without any dialogue or resolution. Instead of two people struggling through the mess, one person feels completely alone.

Most people who stonewall are not trying to destroy their relationship. In fact, many are doing it for the opposite reason. They want to avoid saying something they regret. They want to stop the argument before it spirals. They feel emotionally flooded, and shutting down feels safer than continuing.

It helps to think about how our bodies work in conflict. When stress levels rise, our nervous system shifts into survival mode. Fight, flight, freeze, or submit are the four natural reactions. Stonewalling is a mix of freeze and flight. It is the body’s way of saying, “I cannot handle this right now, so I will protect myself by going silent or disappearing.”

The instinct is understandable. None of us wants to say words that cut too deeply. None of us wants to fan the flames of an argument that is already burning hot. But the instinct to shut down, if left unchecked, has consequences.

Silence may feel like the safest option in the moment, but over time, it leaves damage.

Stonewalling communicates rejection. Even if the intent is to avoid escalation, the message received is “You are not worth my words right now.” That message sinks deep. The partner left behind begins to feel invisible, unloved, and unimportant.

Stonewalling also interrupts trust. Trust grows when partners believe they can handle conflict together. Every time one partner walks away or refuses to engage, it chips away at the belief that “we can do this.” Instead, the relationship starts to feel fragile, like arguments might shatter the connection altogether.

The silent treatment can also invite resentment. Without words, misunderstandings multiply. Without resolution, small conflicts turn into large walls. Over time, resentment piles up like bricks until the marriage feels like two people living on opposite sides of a fortress.

Here is the good news. Taking a break from an argument is not bad. In fact, it is often necessary. The key is the difference between a “tune-out” and a “time-out.”

A tune-out is when one partner withdraws completely, leaving the other in silence. A time-out is when both partners agree to pause so that emotions can cool and words can be chosen more carefully.

Healthy time-outs have structure. They are not about punishment. They are about preservation. Instead of storming out the door and disappearing for hours, a healthy time-out looks like this:

• Stay in the same environment. Do not drive away or vanish. Find separate spaces in the house where you can calm down.
• Set a time limit. Thirty minutes is usually enough for the nervous system to reset. Some couples choose an hour. The point is to agree on when you will return.
• Use the time wisely. Do not rehearse your next argument or create new verbal jabs in your mind. Instead, focus on calming your emotions. Breathe. Pray. Take a short walk. Ask yourself, “What might I be missing in this? Is there something deeper than the thing we are fighting about?”

The difference between destruction and healing is whether silence becomes a wall or a pause button.

After the time-out, it is essential to return and re-engage. This is where many couples struggle. They take the break but never circle back, leaving issues unresolved. The argument just gets stuffed in the closet, where it waits to trip them later.

When you come back, begin with what relationship researchers call a gentle start-up. Instead of launching into accusations, you lead with vulnerability.

Gentle start-up sounds like this: “When you did this, I felt hurt, and what I really need is more reassurance in those moments.”

It does not sound like this: “You always do this. You never care about my feelings. Why do I even try?”

The gentle start-up focuses on your own experience rather than your partner’s flaws. It invites dialogue rather than defensiveness. It communicates a desire for resolution rather than victory.

The goal is not to win the fight. The goal is to understand each other and find a way forward together.

One of the surprising benefits of handling stonewalling well is that it opens the door to deeper issues. When we pause and ask ourselves, “What am I missing? What is this really about?” we often discover that the fight is not about dishes or money or schedules. It is about feeling respected, valued, loved, or safe.

Every couple fights about surface issues, but every marriage thrives when partners dig deeper. By breaking the cycle of stonewalling, you make space for those deeper conversations.

Here are some practical takeaways:

1. Notice the signs… If your partner looks physically shut down, avoid pushing harder. Instead, suggest a time-out.
2. Agree on rules for breaks… Create a shared plan for how long the break will last and how you will return.
3. Practice calming strategies… Prayer, breathing, journaling, or a short walk are all healthier than ruminating.
4. Use gentle start-up… Lead with your feelings and needs, not accusations.
5. Always come back… Do not let silence become permanent. Reconnection is where healing happens.

If you and your spouse struggle with stonewalling, you are not alone. Many couples fall into this pattern, especially under stress. The important thing is not to shame yourself or your partner, but to see it for what it is and take steps to grow.

Scripture reminds us in James 1:19 to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. That does not mean silence is the solution. It means learning to create space between the heat of the moment and the words we choose. Space, not stone. Pause, not punishment.

Every marriage will face moments where emotions overwhelm. But silence does not have to be the end of the conversation. With intentional time-outs, gentle start-ups, and a commitment to circle back, silence can become the very thing that saves the conversation.

Because in marriage, silence is not golden. Connection is.