By Ross Hendrickson
Some feelings knock on the front door. Others sneak in through the laundry room with muddy shoes and eat your last piece of cheesecake. Shame is definitely the latter.
In fact, shame doesn’t just sneak in. It settles. It rearranges your emotional furniture. It changes the thermostat. And before you know it, you’re tiptoeing through your own marriage, wondering why it suddenly feels colder than it used to.
And let’s be honest. Marriage is hard enough with kids, bills, that mystery smell in the minivan, and two people trying to make a life together without a user manual. Add shame to the mix, and things get weird fast.
Shame Doesn’t Yell, It Whispers. Shame is not the loud one at the party. It’s not going to show up in a dramatic fight or a bold confession. It’s quiet. It whispers. It doesn’t say “You did something wrong.” That’s guilt. Shame says, “There’s something wrong with you.”
It sounds like:
- “You’re not enough for them.”
- “If they really knew you, they’d leave.”
- “You’re always the problem.”
- “You’re too much. Too emotional. Too needy.”
Shame will dress itself up in all kinds of outfits. Sometimes it looks like sarcasm. Sometimes it shows up as perfectionism. Sometimes it wears the robe of silence and just sits in the corner while you try to smile your way through dinner.
But underneath it all, it’s the same thing. That feeling that something inside you is broken. That if your partner knew the real you, they’d turn the lights off and walk away.
And when two people in a marriage are both secretly thinking that? Yikes.
Let’s do a quick tour of how shame likes to make itself comfortable in a relationship. See if any of these sound familiar.
1. The Silent Treatment, But Make It Internal
You pull away. Not because you’re mad, but because it feels safer to stay quiet than risk being misunderstood. You’d rather scroll Instagram and pretend you’re fine than admit you’re afraid your feelings won’t matter.
2. The Overachiever Olympics
You do all the things. You fold the towels into thirds. You plan a date night. You schedule the pediatrician. You say yes even when your soul is crying for a nap. Because maybe if you keep doing everything right, nobody will notice that deep down you don’t feel good enough.
3. The Defensive Ninja Move
Your spouse says, “Hey, did you forget to take out the trash?” and you hear, “You’re failing as a human.” So instead of a calm response, you throw a verbal smoke bomb and disappear behind a wall of “I’ve been doing everything else around here.”
4. The Blame & Shame Loop
You mess up. Your spouse gets hurt. You already feel awful. So instead of talking about it, you get angry at them for being upset. Then you feel worse. Then you bake cookies. Then you cry while doing dishes. Shame loves this loop.
Let’s talk real intimacy here. Not just sex, though that’s a part of it. I’m talking about the kind of closeness where you feel safe being your actual self. The version of you that gets anxious at night. The one who cries during commercials. The one who sometimes doubts their worth.
Shame shuts that kind of intimacy down.
It tells you not to open up. Not to trust. Not to bring your full self to the table. It’s the voice that says, “They don’t want all of you, just the parts that are easy to love.”
Over time, that creates distance. You start living parallel lives under the same roof. You still function, but the spark is gone. It’s not that love disappeared. It’s that fear took the driver’s seat.
There’s this beautiful moment in Genesis, way before things go sideways with the apple. It says, “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” That right there? That’s the gold standard. Fully known. Nothing hidden. No fear of rejection.
Of course, the next scene is them hiding in the bushes because shame came in like, “Hey, you’re exposed, and that’s bad.” They went from closeness to cover-up real quick.
But the story doesn’t end there. God goes looking for them. Not with a flashlight and a lecture, but with a question: “Where are you?”
That’s the same question shame tries to keep us from answering honestly in marriage. But it’s also the question that starts the healing.
Where are you, really?
What part of you are you hiding?
What truth are you afraid to say out loud?
So What Do You Do When Shame Moves In?
1. Name It: Literally say it. “I think what I’m feeling is shame.” The minute you name it, it loses power. Shame thrives in the dark. It hates vulnerability. It hates exposure. Which is exactly why we have to drag it into the light and say, “Oh hey, I see you.”
2. Share the Scary Stuff: That thing you’re most afraid to say? Try saying it. Maybe not all at once. Maybe just a piece. But practice letting your spouse see the parts of you that feel unlovable. Nine times out of ten, they’ll lean in closer, not further away.
3. Practice Safe Listening: If your partner opens up, don’t fix it. Don’t rush it. Don’t quote a podcast. Just say, “Thank you for sharing that with me.” Or even better, “I’m really glad you told me. You’re not alone.” That’s a marriage superpower right there.
4. Laugh More: Shame hates laughter. It cannot survive in a home where people laugh at themselves, with each other, about ridiculous things like mismatched socks and the fact that you both forgot to thaw the chicken.
If the atmosphere in your marriage has been heavy, joy might be the thing that opens a window.
5. Get Help if You Need It: Some shame stories go way back. Childhood wounds. Religious pressure. Abuse. Perfectionism was handed down like a family heirloom. If that’s your story, therapy is not weakness. It’s courage. Sitting with someone trained to walk with you through those old messages is one of the best gifts you can give yourself and your relationship.
Maybe you’ve read this and thought, “That’s me. I’m the one bringing shame into our marriage. I’m the one who can’t get past my past. I’m the one hiding.”
Let me tell you something important.
You are not a burden. You are not broken beyond repair. You are not the exception to grace.
Marriage is not a performance. It’s a partnership. And it works best when both people agree to stop hiding, start talking, and show up fully, even if “fully” means tear-streaked, awkward, and unsure of what comes next.
You don’t have to get it all right. You just have to be real.
That’s where healing begins.
That’s where intimacy lives.
And that’s where shame loses the lease it never should have signed in the first place.
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