By Ross Hendrickson
You know that moment? You know, the one where your spouse sighs just a little too loudly, and suddenly you’re back in that same fight from three Thursdays ago? Yeah, that one.
Let’s talk about what happens in that split second. Because in relationships, it’s not just what we say. It’s when, how, and whether we pause long enough to respond instead of react.
Reacting is fast, instinctual, and usually emotionally charged. It’s when your spouse forgets to take out the trash (again), and before you know it, you’re launching into a monologue about twelve years of emotional labor.
Responding, on the other hand, is slower, more thoughtful, and rooted in intention. It’s when you feel the same surge of frustration… but take a breath, remind yourself they’re not your enemy, and choose to address the issue with kindness. Or at least with fewer expletives.
God designed our brains beautifully, but also with some pretty intense wiring. The amygdala, our inner alarm system, gets triggered when we feel threatened. It doesn’t differentiate between a lion in the wild and a snarky comment about your cooking. When we react, it’s often our fight, flight, or freeze system taking the wheel. That’s why even small misunderstandings can escalate into World War III in the kitchen.
Responding takes effort. And let’s be honest: it’s not always our first instinct, especially when we’re tired, hurt, or hangry. But responding is where the fruit of the Spirit — patience, gentleness, self-control — gets real.
One of the best things we can offer our partner is a sacred pause. A moment to breathe. A chance to choose connection over chaos.
Jesus himself modeled this. He didn’t react to provocation. He responded with wisdom, presence, and compassion. And if He could do that in the face of Pharisees and betrayal, we can probably manage it when someone leaves the cap off the toothpaste.
Here’s a practice I offer couples in therapy: The 3-Second Rule. No, not the one about dropped food. This one is about conflict and connection.
Before you speak in conflict:
Pause. Literally, three full seconds. Let the amygdala cool off.
Ask. “What story am I telling myself right now?” (Spoiler alert, it’s probably not the whole truth.)
Choose. Do I want to be right, or do I want to be close?
That pause might be the difference between defensiveness and vulnerability. Between sarcasm and sincerity. Between damage and repair.
Before I got into the therapy world, I was your typical reactional human being. I didn’t know it then, but I let every little thing that came my way trigger a reaction. A text message left unread, a missed call, a sideways comment in a meeting… boom. Emotional spike. Verbal response. Defensiveness. I wore my triggers like armor and used my words like a sword. And I justified it all by saying, “Well, I wouldn’t act this way if they hadn’t said that.”
But here’s the truth I had to learn, and it didn’t come easy.
We can’t stop the thoughts and emotions that get triggered when our partner (or anyone else) says or does something that rubs us the wrong way. We’re human. That’s how we’re wired. But we can choose what we do next. We can learn to recognize the story our brain is telling us in that moment and decide whether or not we want to act on it.
Sometimes I get angry. That’s natural. There’s nothing wrong with anger. It’s just a signal. But it’s what I do with that anger that matters. That’s where responsibility comes in.
It’s not the other person’s fault that I yelled at them. We often say to our partner, “You made me angry, so that’s why I said what I said about your mother. It’s your fault!” But the truth is, it’s not. No one makes us act unkindly. That part is on us.
Let’s take responsibility for our own actions and words. Yes, your partner may have triggered something inside you. But you have the power to choose how to respond rather than react.
When couples begin to see that difference, that their partner can light a match but they don’t have to throw it on gasoline, things start to shift. Safety grows. Empathy builds. Walls begin to lower.
I see this all the time in my practice. Couples who come in stuck in patterns of blame and defensiveness begin to find their way back to each other not through perfect words, but through practiced pauses.
That’s what this is really about. Not perfection. Not getting it right every time. But closing the gap between reaction and repair. Learning to say, “I didn’t handle that well. Let me try again.”
That kind of humility is holy. And healing.
So let’s get practical. Here are a few small but mighty shifts to help you move from reaction to response in your relationship:
– Use timeouts wisely. Taking space during an argument isn’t weak. It’s wise. But the goal is to regulate, not stew. Aim for 20 to 30 minutes to calm your body, reflect, and pray. Avoid replaying the argument in your head like a highlight reel.
– Create “safe phrases.” A phrase like “Can we reset?” or “I need a minute” can signal the need for space without escalating the conflict. It’s a way to create distance without disconnection.
– Use “I” statements. Saying “I feel overwhelmed when…” is more effective (and less likely to escalate things) than “You always…” One invites understanding. The other invites defensiveness.
– Pray before you speak. Especially when you’re tempted to use scripture like a verbal grenade. Ask God to guide your words. Ask Him to help you choose kindness over control.
– Slow the moment. Sometimes I encourage clients to literally count to three, out loud or in their head, before responding. That’s all it takes for your brain to shift from the amygdala to the prefrontal cortex. It’s a small window, but it makes a big difference.
– Reflect after conflict. Once the moment has passed and emotions have cooled, ask yourself: What was really going on for me? What was I afraid of? What story did I tell myself? What would it look like to share that with my spouse instead of hiding behind irritation?
Your marriage doesn’t need perfect communication. It needs practiced reconnection. Every time you choose to respond instead of react, you plant a seed of safety, empathy, and trust.
It’s not about becoming some Zen master who never gets annoyed when your partner forgets to buy the one thing you asked for at the store. It’s about recognizing that how you show up in those moments matters. Your tone, your posture, your timing, your ability to pause — it all adds up.
So the next time you’re mid-conflict and the temperature is rising, try giving each other the gift of a pause. Those three seconds might feel small, but in a marriage, they’re sacred.
And if you mess it up? Join the club. I’ve had to circle back and say, “I was reactive. That wasn’t fair. Can I try that again?” more times than I can count.
But you know what? Those moments, the ones where we own our part and choose to repair, are what build trust.
It’s not about never reacting. It’s about growing in your capacity to respond.
One three-second window at a time.
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