By Ross Hendrickson
Ever had a moment where you swore your spouse said something with an attitude, only to find out they were just asking a question? Or maybe a coworker didn’t respond to your text, and now you’re spiraling, convinced they secretly hate you. Welcome to the human experience. We assume, we personalize, we react. And often, we make an emotional mess of things.
Enter The Four Agreements.
Now, I’m not one to turn every book into gospel. But this one, written by Don Miguel Ruiz, hits surprisingly close to home. It’s deceptively simple, like the Sermon on the Mount or your grandmother’s best advice. And it can rewire not just your relationships, but your own internal dialogue. It’s wisdom that speaks to both the married couple trying to stop weaponizing laundry baskets and the single mom just hoping to make it through one school pickup without crying in the minivan.
So what are these four life-giving agreements? And how do they show up in therapy, parenting, and the everyday grind of trying to be a decent human being without losing your mind? Let’s break it down.
1. Be Impeccable with Your Word
At first glance, this one seems obvious. Don’t lie, don’t gossip, don’t weaponize your tongue. But the depth of this agreement isn’t just about speaking truth; it’s about using your words to build, not break.
Think of how often we use our words carelessly: snapping at our kids when we’re tired, muttering something snarky under our breath, or labeling ourselves with things like “I’m the worst parent alive” just because dinner was microwaved again. Being impeccable means being intentional. It means asking, “Is what I’m saying true, kind, and necessary?”
In marriage therapy, this one shows up constantly. Couples often fall into toxic speech habits like sarcasm, labeling, or talking to each other like rival lawyers in a courtroom drama. When we slow down and choose words that reflect our values rather than our triggers, we start to build something sacred. For those walking with Christ, this echoes James’ reminder that the tongue is a small fire with big consequences.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Ah, the one that punches us right in the ego.
You’d think after enough years on this earth, we’d outgrow this habit. But no. Someone cuts us off in traffic, and we take it as a personal attack. Our partner forgets to say “thank you,” and we interpret it as proof that they’re slowly falling out of love. This agreement challenges us to separate what others do from who we are.
Let me be honest. I once got irrationally upset when my wife didn’t text me back for several hours. I spent most of the day internally crafting a narrative that she was mad at me, annoyed with me, or just done. When she finally responded, she sent a screenshot showing that the message had never even been delivered. I had been arguing with a phone signal the whole time. Plot twist: it was never about me.
This doesn’t mean we ignore bad behavior or excuse hurtful patterns. But it does mean we stop letting every inconsiderate moment redefine our worth. Hurt people hurt people. Most of the time, what someone else says or does has more to do with their own internal chaos than anything we’ve done.
In therapy, I often ask clients, “What story are you telling yourself about this?” Because the real battle is often between the facts and the fiction we’ve emotionally subscribed to. Jesus modeled this kind of calm clarity when he responded with grace in the face of betrayal and accusation. He knew who he was, and it wasn’t up for debate.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
This one may as well be printed on a throw pillow and handed out at every couples session.
We assume our partner should know what we need without saying it. We assume a tone means irritation. We assume the worst because disappointment feels like an old friend. But in doing so, we rob ourselves of clarity and connection.
I once had a client say, “I figured he didn’t care because he didn’t post anything on our anniversary.” Turns out, he had a plan for the weekend and didn’t want to ruin the surprise. Cue the awkward silence. Assumptions are emotional landmines—quiet until stepped on.
This agreement calls us into curiosity. Ask more questions. Clarify. Don’t let fear do the storytelling. As Proverbs puts it, “The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” Translation: Don’t jump to conclusions when you could just ask what’s going on.
4. Always Do Your Best
Now, before you roll your eyes and picture an inspirational cat poster, hear me out.
This agreement isn’t about perfection. It’s about consistency. It’s about showing up with whatever capacity you have that day. Some days, your best might look like patient parenting and spiritual insight. Other days, it’s surviving on caffeine and not snapping at the barista for forgetting your oat milk.
What I love about this agreement is that it holds grace and effort in the same breath. It reminds us that we’re human. We will drop the ball. We will react instead of reflect. But if we’re doing our best, we can mute that internal voice that keeps whispering “you should’ve done more.”
This especially matters during hard seasons. Grief, burnout, parenting toddlers, navigating job loss, or just trying to make it through a Monday without a meltdown. Your best may look different from day to day—and that’s okay. God isn’t measuring your life with a performance rubric. He’s looking for presence, faithfulness, and a willing heart.
Let’s be honest. None of these agreements comes naturally. They don’t arrive pre-installed with adulthood or marriage licenses. They require intention, humility, and sometimes a deep breath and a snack.
They aren’t rules. They’re reminders. To pause before we react. To return to grace when we drift. To stop letting our worst moments become our whole story.
For people of faith, these agreements echo deeper truths. They line up with the fruit of the Spirit, the call to love our neighbor, and the sacred work of choosing compassion over control. They help us unlearn the habits of survival and rediscover the habits of love.
The Four Agreements won’t pay your bills, do your dishes, or babysit your kids. But they will reshape how you speak, listen, forgive, and connect.
They help you become someone who doesn’t spiral every time a text goes unanswered. Someone who can ask a question instead of making an assumption. Someone who chooses honesty over sarcasm and grace over shame.
So this week, before you speak, pause. Before you assume, ask. Before you personalize, breathe. And remember, your best, wrapped in God’s grace, is enough.
Because healing doesn’t start with fixing everyone else. It starts by honoring your word, your worth, your wounds, and your growth.
One agreement at a time.
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