By Ross Hendrickson
There was a moment early in my marriage when I decided I’d had enough. My wife and I were in the middle of an argument I couldn’t name, couldn’t fix, and couldn’t handle. So I did what any emotionally overloaded, slightly dramatic husband might do – I stormed out into the backyard… in the middle of a rainstorm.
Because nothing says “I’m fine” like yardwork in a thunderstorm.
I grabbed a rake. I had no clue why, but it felt productive. Then I started half-heartedly moving around some already-soaked leaves. After a few minutes of muttering under my breath and feeling very justified, I whipped the rake at a nearby tree, expecting a satisfying thunk to release my inner tension.
Instead, it bounced right back and smacked me square in the face.
So now I’m standing in the rain, bleeding, holding my face, yelling at the sky like a man who just lost an argument with both his wife and the laws of physics.
Looking back, I realize what I was doing: stonewalling, which is the fourth and sneakiest of the Four Horsemen. I wasn’t trying to be mean. I just didn’t know how to stay in the conversation without shutting down. So I bailed. And just like the burglars in Home Alone who think they’re in control right before they get hit in the face with a paint can. I found out the hard way that stonewalling doesn’t protect you. It just makes a mess… and usually backfires.
That moment became one of the many lessons my wife and I have laughed about (eventually), and one I now see echoed in nearly every couple I work with.
Let me introduce you to the Four Horsemen of the Relational Apocalypse: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling.
These are the uninvited guests who show up to your marriage like they own the place. And they don’t knock. They barge in.
Horseman #1: Criticism
Criticism doesn’t just bring up an issue. It attacks the person. It sounds like, “You never think about anyone but yourself,” instead of, “I felt hurt when you forgot to call.”
Criticism storms into the room with a clipboard, a highlighter, and a list of all the ways your partner falls short. It might start out sounding like concern, but it often morphs into judgment.
The antidote? A gentle startup. Lead with how you feel and what you need, instead of launching into what your partner failed to do.
Horseman #2: Defensiveness
Defensiveness is the emotional equivalent of putting your fingers in your ears and saying, “Nuh-uh!” It deflects, blames, and denies any personal responsibility.
When your spouse says, “Hey, it hurt when you didn’t help with the kids last night,” and you respond with, “Well, you didn’t help me with dishes either,” that’s defensiveness taking the wheel.
The antidote? Ownership. Even if you only contributed 2% to the issue, own your 2%. That’s where growth starts.
Horseman #3: Contempt
Contempt is the most dangerous of them all. It’s eye-rolling, name-calling, sarcasm, and mockery. It says, “I’m better than you,” and it poisons emotional safety.
Contempt doesn’t just crash the party. It kicks your partner in the shins and tells them they’re lucky to be invited at all.
The antidote? Build a culture of appreciation. Notice the good. Express gratitude. Small, consistent moments of respect are what rebuild trust.
Horseman #4: Stonewalling
And then there’s stonewalling, the silent exit. The emotional shutdown. The staring at the ceiling, pretending you’re listening, while mentally scrolling through Amazon.
In my case, it was raking leaves in a thunderstorm like a soggy, silent martyr.
Stonewalling is usually a response to overwhelm. When your nervous system is overloaded, shutting down feels safer than exploding.
The antidote? Learn to self-soothe. Take a break when you need one, but communicate that you’ll come back. Connection is built when your partner knows you aren’t just walking away forever.
In nearly every couples session, I watch these patterns play out. Sometimes Criticism and Defensiveness show up together like a toxic buddy comedy. One partner says, “You’re always late and don’t care about this family,” and the other fires back, “Well maybe if you weren’t always nagging me, I’d want to be home more.”
Or Contempt sneaks in, dripping with sarcasm: “Oh sure, because you’re the expert on parenting now? Remind me how many books you’ve actually finished this year.”
Sometimes one partner shuts down completely, arms folded, gaze fixed on a neutral spot on the wall, saying nothing for twenty minutes while the other partner slowly combusts. That’s stonewalling. And you can practically feel the walls going up in the room.
But here’s the good news: once couples recognize these patterns, they can begin to change them. And change is not about perfection. It’s about noticing when the Horsemen have arrived and learning how to show them the door.
The Four Horsemen aren’t signs of a bad marriage. They’re signs of pain, fear, and disconnection. We criticize when we feel invisible. We get defensive when we feel attacked. We express contempt when we feel hopeless. We stonewall when we feel emotionally flooded.
Marriage will always press on our raw spots. And when it does, our instincts aren’t always kind. But that doesn’t mean we’re stuck.
If you’re a person of faith, this part might sound familiar. The Gospel doesn’t start with people getting it all right. It starts with love stepping into the mess. Grace, not perfection, is what restores connection.
Your marriage doesn’t need to be Instagrammable. It needs to be honest. And honesty means naming when the Horsemen have shown up and then choosing something different.
You can learn to start conversations gently. You can own your part without collapsing. You can practice appreciation, even when you’re frustrated. And yes, you can step back into the house after a dramatic, rake-to-the-face moment and say, “I’m sorry. That wasn’t helpful. Can we try again?”
Marriage isn’t about keeping the Horsemen away forever. It’s about not letting them stay for dinner.
So next time Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, or Stonewalling come trotting up to your door, take a breath. Invite in humility. Call on courage. And maybe hide the rake, just in case.
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